Dear Donald

This childish man needs to be removed from office immediately.

You may have seen this morning that the president of the United States sent the following to the Norwegian Prime Minister, with instructions to have copies sent to multiple European ambassadors:

“Dear Jonas - Considering your country decided not to give me the Nobel Peace Prize for having stopped eight wars plus, I no longer feel an obligation to think purely of peace, although it will always be predominant, but can now think about what is good and proper for the United States of America.

“Denmark cannot protect that land from Russia or China, and why do they have a ‘right of ownership’ anyway?

“There are no written documents, it’s only that a boat landed there hundreds of years ago, but we had boats landing there, also.

“I have done more for Nato than any other person since its founding, and now, Nato should do something for the United States.

“The world is not secure unless we have complete and total control of Greenland.”

Here’s how I would like to reply, using the royal ‘we’, of course:

“Dear Donald - considering you have decided to abandon our special relationship and heap criticism and tariffs upon us, we no longer feel the need to treat America as a special friend, or, indeed, as worthy of independence, and we can now think about what is good and proper for the United Kingdom and its former colonies.

“You have not protected America from the political influence of Russia - indeed, you have embraced it - nor the economic influence of China, and do you have a ‘right of ownership’ to the land you inhabit anyway, as it was originally stolen from the natives, and your family only immigrated recently, to dodge the draft back home? Such agreements as were made with the natives were broken, and are therefore invalidated.

“Far from bringing peace to the world, you have stirred up hatred and violence and conflict.

“America was colonized by the ancestors of the very Europeans whom you now despise and treat so badly, those whose boats ‘simply’ landed there. You, yourself, are descended from Europeans.

“You have done more to destroy America than any other person since its founding, and the prospects of world peace. You should do something for the United States - that is, grow up and go away!

“The world is not secure until it is rid of you, and that subset of white males and their ilk which is greedy and selfish.

“Therefore, we will be exploring dispossessing you of all your lands and other assets, giving the land back to the descendants of its original native guardians, and the wealth to those on whose backs it was made.

“If that proves insufficient, we will be looking at restoring control of America to the European countries that originally colonised it, with the aim of further devolving control to native Americans and those from elsewhere who have worked for the benefit of America.”