Penguins in Peril

"These are the times that try penguins' souls" - Penguin Paine

Rockhopper Penguin by Samuel Blanc.

Penguins are, of course, the cleverest creatures affected by the tariff war, though we are cooperating with friendly species who are similarly affected. Like humans, penguins come in a variety of races, sizes, and looks and live in many different places, virtually all in the southern hemisphere. The polar bears can keep the Arctic, thank you very much. We don't understand why Heard Island has been singled out, but since it has, our resistance will be coordinated there.

Life is tough for us penguins, but now we are facing a new threat from a man we though liked us, since he sometimes wears clothes that make him a little bit like us, but fatter and with the orange in the wrong place. But first, some background.

Professor Ursula Penguin on penguinology

There are 18 species of penguins, 5 of us live in Antarctica (Adélie and emperor year round, Chinstrap, macaroni, and gentoo penguins outside the breeding season) and 4 on sub-Antarctic islands (Chinstrap, macaroni, and gentoo penguins during the breeding season). Fairy penguins live in Australia and on islands. Magellanic penguins live in Argentina. Magellanic, rockhopper, gentoo, king, and macaroni penguins nest on the Falkland Islands according to Treehugger. Rockhoppers live on Tristan da Cunha, a small island chain of extinct volcanoes in the South Atlantic Ocean. New Zealand hosts Southern Ocean—little, snares, yellow-eyed, and Fiordland crested penguins. African penguins come from, you guessed it, Africa - though we've only recently moved onto the mainland thanks to you humans driving away predators. Erect-crested penguins live on the Bounty and Antipodes Islands in the South Pacific Ocean. Macaroni, king, and chinstrap penguins also live on South Georgia and the South Sandwich Islands in the South Atlantic Ocean. The Galapagos penguin lives near the equator on the Galapagos Islands (who'd have guessed?).

We don't have fur, but feathers which repel ice. We don't bite - we don't have teeth, but use spines to hold fish. We pair up for a season or more and share parenting chores, except for Emperor penguins where dads freeze and starve over winter keeping the youngsters warm off the ice. We don't care if some penguins are gay, they still make great parents. Emperor penguins are the tallest of us and can reach 4 feet, but some of our ancestors were as big as a human.

Most of our species are declining. African, Galapagos, yellow–eyed, northern rockhopper penguin and the erect-crested penguin are endangered. You can help by keeping the oceans clean, only buying responsibly sourced fish, and fighting climate change. Overfishing is reducing supplies, and ocean acidification is adversely affecting krill, which are becoming smaller. We eat krill and small fish.

We've never asked America to defend us, we have Australia to do that. And we defend ourselves against leopard seals and killer whales, and the skuas and sheathbills who eat our eggs and chicks.

Penguin Pikkety on the Tariffs

Someone from the other hemisphere has threatened us with something called tariffs. How he expects us to pay when we don't have any money or gold, we do not understand.

Heard and McDonald Islands may have been counted separately from Australia by the Musk chatbot, but both have been assessed at 10%, as have Argentina, New Zealand. Bounty and Antipodes Islands are part of New Zealand. The Falkland Islands, however, despite being a British Overseas Territory, have been slapped with 41% and South Africa with 30%. But African penguins live along the coast from Angola (32%) to Mozambique (16%), which makes no sense unless it is an attempt to try and divide us. Tristan da Cunha is part of a British Overseas Territory so presumably is assessed at 10%, since it does not appear separately on the list like Heard Island (which is Australian but has a different internet domain) does. Why Heard Island has a separate domain is a trade secret.

Penguin Patton - we're ready to fight

We will overcome any obstacle.

We have infiltrated the White House.

We have been giving our friends the gulls training in accurate targeting.

So, keep your ugly mitts off of us (we don't mean you, Bernie).

And on a more serious note, please don't come and visit. Bird flu has been spotted near Heard Island and at many places around the world, and we would regard any attempt at infection an act of war.

Keep your peckers and flippers up!